Fostering Relationships

Social connections, friendships and relationships are a fundamental human need. Last year Dr. Greisler, lead psychologist with InVision Behavioral Health, highlighted the importance of relationships for people of all abilities. As we approach Relationship Wellness Month again this February, I wanted to take a moment to highlight some shared challenges that we all experience across relationships, both intimate and other.

First, I want to invite you to notice your own definition of the word “relationship.” When you hear this word, does it mean something positive to you? Do you have negative feelings about past or current relationships? I want you to be curious about how you think of and define relationships in your life as you continue reading. Sure, we might primarily think about our romantic relationships when we think about relationships. But for many people, relationships are not always physically intimate – more often they are platonic, meaning they focus on emotional intimacy and affection. These relationships are just as important to focus on and foster in our personal lives.

When you thought of the word relationship – whether romantic or platonic – I’m going to guess you had some good feelings, but you may have also remembered some not-so-fun feelings too. Relationships often are a source of great joy for people, and yet there is a great bit of work that goes into cultivating healthy ones. Like many things in our lives, relationships take practice (and sometimes a little humor and humility!)

In the therapy room, I see many common themes arise in the context of relationships:

The desire to feel understood
Seeking reciprocated feelings and actions
Striving for connectedness
Building a foundation on shared values

When one of the above falls out of balance, people struggle with feeling misunderstood, neglected, disconnected, or as though their friend or partner doesn’t want the same things as them. It is so important to recognize when these feelings arise, and to commit to having difficult conversations for the sake of preserving the relationship – if that is the goal.

As a therapist that utilizes techniques from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, one tool I teach to clients approaching a difficult conversation is to use the acronym GIVE. This stands for:

Be Gentle: No verbal attacks, threats, eye rolling or demoralizing statements.
Act Interested: Listen and appear interested by maintaining eye contact and facing the person. Don’t interrupt or talk over them, even if you disagree with what they may be saying.
Validate: Show that you understand by reflecting back what you have heard, be willing to listen and give in order to receive the same validation in return.
Use an Easy Manner: Humor goes a long way during difficult conversations. Be light-hearted without being unserious – curb your attitude at the door and the “need to be right.”

In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to remember the above skills but with a little practice, remembering this acronym can really make a difficult conversation go a lot smoother. After all, we all want to be understood.

Here are a few other solution-focused tips for relationship effectiveness as we approach February that I have gathered from my own ten-year marriage (Hi Erik!) but that I have also found helpful implementing in my friendships and relationships with family members.

Practice connection with presence – Make time for each other by putting away your phone when you’re together or simply sitting in the same room at the end of a long workday together, even if you’re occupied in separate tasks.
Show appreciation for the mundane – We all need to feel appreciated and seen! If you catch your partner doing something “good,” be sure to tell them what it meant to you. “It meant a lot to me that you prepped the coffee pot last night before bed, it made my morning so much smoother.”
Take time apart – Evidence shows that people with separate friendships that they foster outside of their partnerships have higher satisfaction in their relationships.
Be willing to give to get – You can model the behaviors you want to receive from others by demonstrating it yourself first. For example, initiating outreach/contact, planning outings, and treating people the way you would expect to be treated. Also, by pursuing your own passions and interests, you may inadvertently inspire your partner or friends to do the same.

Relationship Wellness Resources: